I’ve been up all night tonight, and to be frank, I’ve had enough of the internet. It’s a perverted playground; a steel-and-glass shopping mall with an enormous dungeon below it, with free entry to all. You walk through this mall, and the storefront logos run out towards you and block your path, flashing and jumping and shouting about special offers. You see a pretty girl walk past, and in an instant she’s naked and covered in baby oil for your pleasure, writhing around with her most private areas craftily concealed, and she’s begging you to give her some money so you can watch her defile herself. She doesn’t even beckon towards an out-of-sight corner as she thrusts a free preview onto you. You’re a man, and you have urges, and this girl is naked but for some reason, it doesn’t turn you on. And then you turn around and some horrible lowlife approaches with a sack full of DVDs, throwing them to anyone who feigns an interest, and you know it’s full of expensive software, the latest movies, music and games, and although you know it’s wrong this guy is just giving this stuff to you.
Well, fuck that. I don’t like this mall of temptations. I want the Internet to be sophisticated. And you can argue that it already is, and that it’s easy to avoid the dark alleyways if you want to, and all that bullshit, but the fact remains that whilst you’re in one of the trendier parts of the mall drinking an organic latte and having a chat with some eminent intellectuals, somewhere far below you in the same building a fat pervert is watching some Eastern European bastard having anal sex with a twelve-year-old girl. It’s distasteful.
So what should the Internet be like? I don’t know. The Internet should be like sitting in a vibrating leather chair with a goblet of wine, having your feet massaged whilst the cast of the latest Hollywood blockbuster personally perform the movie in front of you; your own private stage production.
I don’t know. But somebody needs to fucking fix it. And don’t comment telling me it’s impossible, because I don’t give a shit – we’re talking about ideas man, and they’re indestructable. I don’t want Big Brother, and I don’t want to suppress free speech – I just want the law to be like it used to be; tangible, dangerous, powerful. Let’s make it so the dirty paedophile fucks out there can’t get their rocks off over the loss of innocence. As soon as his filthy pornography is downloaded he’s clapped in irons and never seen again. I want someone who downloads a DVD rip to be instantly accosted by security, like they would if they strolled out of HMV with it under their arm. I freely admit, I download shit all the time, and I’ve looked at pornography in my lifetime, and that sucks. Because I prefer owning movies, or watching new ones at the cinema. Because I like physical CDs and album art. And I’ve never walked into a newsagents and bought a porn mag and I’ve never stolen anything from a shop in my life, but this stupid fucking Internet lets me make an ass of the law without even trying.