Archive for the 'boring' Category


Tuesday 5 June (2007)

Here’s the update: I am back. I have been very busy with beer and work and rum and fun, but now I’m completely out of money and all my assignments are in, so I’m back in front of the computer. Until I get a job (please, soon) I’ll be here, so you may begin celebrations immediately.

I’ve got some tasty updates coming up for you, but there is one tragic loss as well – those goddamn Sunday Reviews. They’re gone. I hate them. Hate!

I mean, I’ll still write reviews. Just not every fucking Sunday. We’re both relieved, right? Of course.

So I’ll let you get back to the party, and I’ll mingle presently. Wooetc.

What the hell?

Monday 19 February (2007)

Yeah, that’s what you’ve all been saying. Not just the e-mails you’ve all been sending; this shit has been happening to me on the street. “What the hell, man? Why no updates?”

It’s time for an update. I’ve been neglecting the site, and not without good reason. First it was Christmas, then I had an exam to prepare for. Then a few days after that it was my birthday, then when that haze settled things really kicked off. I got a present for my 22nd which… well, let’s just say I haven’t really been the most pro-active person since the 3rd of Feb. And then of course, my degree started up again and I’ve had a ton of work.

Excuses, excuses. I know, it cannot repay the damage. But never fear! I’m free of the demon weed (well, almost, but I’m saving the rest for a special occasion) and I’m pretty much on top of all my work. So, let the line continue from this point forward. Until, you know, summer. Or acid. Whichever comes first.

I predict summer ūüė¶

Back in business, baby (and how)

Thursday 17 August (2006)

site traffic, small version for glorious post

What you are seeing is a minimised representation of my site traffic over the last thirty days. I like this graph that wordpress produce for me, but I don’t like the fact that the scale jumps up if you have a scary day of intense traffic – what I mean is; if I average forty hits a day and then I suddenly get eighty for whatever reason (usually misguided search engine returns) the scale goes up in such a way that it looks like my constant forty hits a day are, well, nothing. Well, it has happened here – I looked at this graph and saw¬†how low it was and I thought ‘well, hell, I haven’t updated for three weeks because I’ve not been connected to the internet – this is fair enough.’

Then I looked at the scale. What the creeping hell?! Whilst one-hundred and fifty or so unique hits a day are mere trifles in the scheme of things, this is a bloody lot for me. It’s historic! I mean I’m reaching an audience! Hell, the director of Sharp’s Brewery has been here personally because I reviewed one of their beers! I’m basically kind of an Internet legend, in my own time.

Except, no. Not really. There is but one reason why my site has suddenly become the hub of the internet, and that is because I recently posted a long rant about that most dastardly of TV shows; The Mint. People have been finding my site out of a combination of trying to find solutions to the puzzles (and why shouldn’t they) and trying to find out if the whole thing is legally some sort of con. Well, I love you people – thank you. Because it’s good to know, in my heart, that if one lone idiot with a computer like me can lament the loss of quality television, no matter how insignificant I am people will seek it out and rally around me. Together we can beat the bastards!

Or, as it happens, not. I’m tempted though, if anyone comes across the solution to their puzzles, to make a page about it and see if I can figure out how they got the solution. We’ll see, I guess.¬†Anyway, this post is just to say I’m back, etc., so expect more quality content soon! Or, failing that, another post about my visitor statistics complaining about they have dropped back to a more realistic seventeen hits a day. Bah.

A break in the line

Friday 28 July (2006)

Or in other words; the site is on hiatus. I was sentenced earlier this morning, and the I got five years In a few minutes I’m turning this PC off and packing it away, because I’m moving house. Don’t worry, dear friends – I’ll get the internet hooked up as soon as I’m settled. But in case things take a while to get rolling, it could be over a month before you get to read another entertaining review, or whatever. Farewell my children :~


Saturday 1 July (2006)

I’m packing up to move out, but being a sad internet person I find myself watching the Eon8 countdown timer as it enters its final minute… what will I see?! Death? Coca-Cola? Tom Cruise? 38 seconds to go…


Yeah, that’s right. Because the page refreshed itself with nine gajmillion people on it, it went down ¬¨

So Eon8: a great piece of advertising, or just a great big fat joke? Either way, it’s a hell of an anti-climax. Unless –¬†the reason the site is down is because they finally did it… Nooo! You crazy bastards… God damn you! God damn you all to hell!

Finding this site on Google

Monday 19 June (2006)

I glanced at the search terms that were bring my site up on search engines again today. I did this partly because I’m a bit bored (most people have moved out of my building now) and partly because for some reason there has been a huge spike in the number of pageviews I’ve been getting (compared to a large drop in the number of comments, excluding Remi’s angry one about going bald.) I’ve done this before, but when I did it then I couldn’t understand how people had chanced upon my site using those terms. This time when I tried the search terms I am actually coming out near or at the top of the results. Great! Except these are some of the search terms people are using:

What illegal drug smells like onions?
I can only assume some worried parent has smelled strange aromas coming out of their child’s bedroom and think they’re smoking opium or something. I’m third on Google for that one.

human hunting hostel
Some sickos looking for a ‘good time’? Luckily, they’re talking about the movie. I’m fourth.

my curry is too hot
Only one hit, but this is probably my favourite term. I just imagined some poor bastard sitting down to a takeaway and burning his mouth, then quickly googling ‘my curry is too hot’ hoping for some forum post where someone said like “don’t worry guys! Just mix some¬†lemon juice¬†and¬†milk and pour it over your curry to eliminate that spice!” I was second.

veil consciousness dog
What fucking manner of maniac searched for this? And why the hell am I on page one?

Haha, I don’t even know why this makes me laugh. I can only imagine that some poor fool bought the game and was badly burned. I’m third here.

And finally, just for my own ego, if you search google for acid-like trip my site is top. Like I’m some kind of authority on acid-like trips. ūüėÄ

Baldly going where all men* must sadly go

Wednesday 14 June (2006)

I've had long hair for quite some time now, and I liked it and it served its purpose well. I went to see metal bands and was confidently flinging filthy head-sweat out like a fucking Viking, and I loved it. But now it's summer, and I sadly get very hot all the time. Yada yada yada, I have short hair again. And what did I discover when I saw my shiny head before me?

Fucking receding fucking hairline.

Look at these two random pictures I found on the internet and compare to the bottom picture, which is fucking me.

I don't know who this is some random baldos whoever this is, he surely isn't an expatriate scandinavian


bald at 21

It's just a matter of time.

* Not all men go bald. Bastards.

Sometimes, no words are necessary

Saturday 3 June (2006)

the greatest score ever achieved

Archbishop Temple School (bloody hell)

Tuesday 30 May (2006)

Okay, what the fuck? Someone has done a real number on my former high school over on Wikipedia. (Yes, prepare for another one of those 'he's been up all night and gone around the bend' posts.)

Read the rest of this entry »

Chiles and capsaicin

Sunday 21 May (2006)

Nando's chicken comes in four levels of temperature: lemon and herb (nil spice), medium, hot, extra hot. Now, I've grown up with a sadistic father who enjoyed giving me currys that could blow your colon apart, so I'm used to spicy food. I'm used to the pathetic warning signs on Sizzle N' Stir curry sauces that go something like this:

Mild = Nothing spicy even came near this sauce

Hot = A Mild Spice

Dynamite = A few chillis, pretty hot

I've eaten whole jars of jalapeño peppers before now. I can handle spice.

I wasn't in the mood for anything too hot, so I thought I'll hedge my bets and go for the third highest; 'hot'. A mistake. This was very hot, a lot more than I expected. So my convoluted point is this:

Why isn't there some kind of standard rating for 'hot' food? You buy a bottle of rum and you know how much alcohol is in it because it says on the side: 40%. You buy a loaf of bread and you know how many calories there are in it because it says so on the side. When you buy something spicy you get a vague: 'mild' or 'hot' that doesn't mean anything because it's subjective. I want there to be an international standard for hot food. Hell, make it simple – just give it a rating out of ten, one being 'if this burns your mouth you must be living on ice cream' and ten being 'better get ready to go to hospital'.

They know how to measure it, so why don't they tell us?


Using the Scoville scale I have made an estimate of how 'hot' the chicken at Nando's was. They serve Peri-Peri chicken at this chain of Portuguese-style restaurants, which is the Portuguese name for the African birdseye chile. Measuring against the Jalapeño, which I am the first to admit is not a particularly hot chile (if just for the fact that I can eat them comfortably) but is nevertheless still too hot for everyone else I know here in Cheltenham, I find this:

Jalapeño = 2500 – 8000 Scovilles(?)

African Birdseye aka Peri-Peri = 100,000 – 225,000

As you can see, this means that the 'hot' sauce at Nando's is conservatively (adjusting for the fact that it wasn't their hottest sauce) 10-50 times stronger than a jalapeño pepper. This kind of proves my point – whenever we all get nachos, people give me a pile of jalapeños to eat because they're too hot for them to eat. They're too hot! I can handle them because in the scheme of things they're mild, and I kind of grew up on spicy food. It makes sense that I should be able to handle a mere 'hot' sauce at a restaurant that also offers 'extra hot'.

This whole field is too subjective. I mean hell, I enjoy spicy food, I just wish I knew what I was in for before I bite down into it. Anyway, sod it, next time we go to Nando's I'm going for the extra hot – why not?