Archive for the 'gibberish' Category

Update

Tuesday 5 June (2007)

Here’s the update: I am back. I have been very busy with beer and work and rum and fun, but now I’m completely out of money and all my assignments are in, so I’m back in front of the computer. Until I get a job (please, soon) I’ll be here, so you may begin celebrations immediately.

I’ve got some tasty updates coming up for you, but there is one tragic loss as well – those goddamn Sunday Reviews. They’re gone. I hate them. Hate!

I mean, I’ll still write reviews. Just not every fucking Sunday. We’re both relieved, right? Of course.

So I’ll let you get back to the party, and I’ll mingle presently. Wooetc.

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Drawing pictures (on acid)

Tuesday 3 April (2007)

LSD drawing

 Tidying my room a little yesterday, I found an old notepad filled with strange scribbles and drawings. I soon remembered what I was looking at – mementos from my very first LSD experience. It was September 2004, in Manchester (where else?) and I had finally managed to track down the elusive drug I so desired. Unfortunately, it wasn’t particularly strong stuff, and that first experience wasn’t my ‘break-through’ experience. Nevertheless, it affected me so much that I couldn’t walk down the metal staircase leading out of our crummy flat (it was, for all intents and purposes, not connected to the ground), and my co-trippers Alan and JT weren’t handling it so well (although, JT had been up almost twenty-four hours when we dropped, and he’d probably been on pills the night before) so I did the only thing availble to do – I drew some drug-induced pictures.

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The religion thing

Wednesday 28 March (2007)

This has been bugging me for a while now. People all over the internet talking about how ‘religion is bad’ and that we shouldn’t be Muslim or Christian or whatever because it creates barriers and makes people kill each other. ‘Love is the only religion we need,’ they say.

And of course, there’s only one alternative to all of this, and that’s atheism. The incredibly dull concept that this is really all there is; there are no forces at work beyond the ones we have observed for ourselves, like gravity, and when we die that’s it. Apparantly atheism is a better way to live because you adhere to a moral code, and not some prescribed text. Ideas like ‘don’t murder people’ and ‘stealing is bad’ (which are coincidentally found in books like the Bible.)

Bullshit. If I honestly thought that this was it – when I die, I die, and I’ll never be judged for my actions – then I wouldn’t need a moral code. Why pay for something when you can take it for free? I mean, what’s the harm? Life would be pointless in my eyes, and also the only experience I would ever know. Why shouldn’t I make it as fun as possible? Hedonists – now there are some good atheists. Rapists, they’ve got it down too – oh I mean sure, they might cause pain to whoever they molest, but at the end of the day that pain is really just a series of chemical processes, right? It doesn’t mean anything. Who cares if someone elses chemical processes make them feel bad when mine are giving me orgasms?

I don’t buy any of this. Read on if you want to see my rant.

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The Sunday Review: St. Patrick’s Day 2007

Monday 19 March (2007)

guinness

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Man, these people suck

Tuesday 27 February (2007)

So, we go to this pub called the parrot because all drinks are £1.50 on a Monday. And fucking Numa Numa comes on, and people go wild. Like Ozzy Osbourne has just walked into the building wild. And I find myself thinking… ‘are people really this shit?’

They played M.C. Hammer too, to incredible reception. In fact the whole night through there was only really two half-decent songs – Smells Like Teen Spirit (clearly so commercial that the M.C. Hammer crowd can enjoy) and some old trance track by Alice DJ that I only really like because I used to listen to it in Jillys (dance hour) when I was on pills.

Are people really this shit? The sad answer is yes. Half-drunken moan, over and out.

What the hell?

Monday 19 February (2007)

Yeah, that’s what you’ve all been saying. Not just the e-mails you’ve all been sending; this shit has been happening to me on the street. “What the hell, man? Why no updates?”

It’s time for an update. I’ve been neglecting the site, and not without good reason. First it was Christmas, then I had an exam to prepare for. Then a few days after that it was my birthday, then when that haze settled things really kicked off. I got a present for my 22nd which… well, let’s just say I haven’t really been the most pro-active person since the 3rd of Feb. And then of course, my degree started up again and I’ve had a ton of work.

Excuses, excuses. I know, it cannot repay the damage. But never fear! I’m free of the demon weed (well, almost, but I’m saving the rest for a special occasion) and I’m pretty much on top of all my work. So, let the line continue from this point forward. Until, you know, summer. Or acid. Whichever comes first.

I predict summer 😦

The Internet is Decadent and Depraved

Thursday 19 October (2006)

I’ve been up all night tonight, and to be frank, I’ve had enough of the internet. It’s a perverted playground; a steel-and-glass shopping mall with an enormous dungeon below it, with free entry to all. You walk through this mall, and the storefront logos run out towards you and block your path, flashing and jumping and shouting about special offers. You see a pretty girl walk past, and in an instant she’s naked and covered in baby oil for your pleasure, writhing around with her most private areas craftily concealed, and she’s begging you to give her some money so you can watch her defile herself. She doesn’t even beckon towards an out-of-sight corner as she thrusts a free preview onto you. You’re a man, and you have urges, and this girl is naked but for some reason, it doesn’t turn you on. And then you turn around and some horrible lowlife approaches with a sack full of DVDs, throwing them to anyone who feigns an interest, and you know it’s full of expensive software, the latest movies, music and games, and although you know it’s wrong this guy is just giving this stuff to you.

Well, fuck that. I don’t like this mall of temptations. I want the Internet to be sophisticated. And you can argue that it already is, and that it’s easy to avoid the dark alleyways if you want to, and all that bullshit, but the fact remains that whilst you’re in one of the trendier parts of the mall drinking an organic latte and having a chat with some eminent intellectuals, somewhere far below you in the same building a fat pervert is watching some Eastern European bastard having anal sex with a twelve-year-old girl. It’s distasteful.

So what should the Internet be like? I don’t know. The Internet should be like sitting in a vibrating leather chair with a goblet of wine, having your feet massaged whilst the cast of the latest Hollywood blockbuster personally perform the movie in front of you; your own private stage production.

I don’t know. But somebody needs to fucking fix it. And don’t comment telling me it’s impossible, because I don’t give a shit – we’re talking about ideas man, and they’re indestructable. I don’t want Big Brother, and I don’t want to suppress free speech – I just want the law to be like it used to be; tangible, dangerous, powerful. Let’s make it so the dirty paedophile fucks out there can’t get their rocks off over the loss of innocence. As soon as his filthy pornography is downloaded he’s clapped in irons and never seen again. I want someone who downloads a DVD rip to be instantly accosted by security, like they would if they strolled out of HMV with it under their arm. I freely admit, I download shit all the time, and I’ve looked at pornography in my lifetime, and that sucks. Because I prefer owning movies, or watching new ones at the cinema. Because I like physical CDs and album art. And I’ve never walked into a newsagents and bought a porn mag and I’ve never stolen anything from a shop in my life, but this stupid fucking Internet lets me make an ass of the law without even trying.

Ah… Over.

It’s like mescaline, I bet. Just like mescaline.

Saturday 22 July (2006)

What am I talking about?! More drugness? No. The fucking heat.

It’s so bloody hot I can’t even begin to describe it. I want them to go and fix the ozone layer right now. Hell, I’d be happy if someone would fix me a drink – tall glass of some Havana Club 7yo with a lot of ice! But no, that’s expensive isn’t it. What is it, about heat, that melts your mind? It’s relentless. And it’s too hot to do anything all day, so you just lie there in the garden wishing you had enough money to go and buy some rum (far too hot to work for that money – a classic catch-22) and then your parents come home from work and you go back inside and all of a sudden it’s 2.40 in the morning and you’re not tired because your brain is used to an inordinate amount of melatonin and can’t physically produce enough to make you turn off. Then the craziness – the just-out-of-sight hallucinations. Hearing insects behind the curtains. Is this kind of confusion what those poor bastards who were first trapped in the desert and ate the cacti felt? I imagine it is. A hot, horrible, sweaty trip with no end in sight.

Or, maybe it’s just summer. There is something terribly unrewarding about being in the sunshine and not having a drink in your hand whilst being next to, or even in, a body of water.

Eon8

Saturday 1 July (2006)

I’m packing up to move out, but being a sad internet person I find myself watching the Eon8 countdown timer as it enters its final minute… what will I see?! Death? Coca-Cola? Tom Cruise? 38 seconds to go…

Oh MY GOD!

Yeah, that’s right. Because the page refreshed itself with nine gajmillion people on it, it went down ¬

So Eon8: a great piece of advertising, or just a great big fat joke? Either way, it’s a hell of an anti-climax. Unless – the reason the site is down is because they finally did it… Nooo! You crazy bastards… God damn you! God damn you all to hell!

Finding this site on Google

Monday 19 June (2006)

I glanced at the search terms that were bring my site up on search engines again today. I did this partly because I’m a bit bored (most people have moved out of my building now) and partly because for some reason there has been a huge spike in the number of pageviews I’ve been getting (compared to a large drop in the number of comments, excluding Remi’s angry one about going bald.) I’ve done this before, but when I did it then I couldn’t understand how people had chanced upon my site using those terms. This time when I tried the search terms I am actually coming out near or at the top of the results. Great! Except these are some of the search terms people are using:

What illegal drug smells like onions?
I can only assume some worried parent has smelled strange aromas coming out of their child’s bedroom and think they’re smoking opium or something. I’m third on Google for that one.

human hunting hostel
Some sickos looking for a ‘good time’? Luckily, they’re talking about the movie. I’m fourth.

my curry is too hot
Only one hit, but this is probably my favourite term. I just imagined some poor bastard sitting down to a takeaway and burning his mouth, then quickly googling ‘my curry is too hot’ hoping for some forum post where someone said like “don’t worry guys! Just mix some lemon juice and milk and pour it over your curry to eliminate that spice!” I was second.

veil consciousness dog
What fucking manner of maniac searched for this? And why the hell am I on page one?

WHY IS TONY HAWKS WASTELAND SO SHIT
Haha, I don’t even know why this makes me laugh. I can only imagine that some poor fool bought the game and was badly burned. I’m third here.

And finally, just for my own ego, if you search google for acid-like trip my site is top. Like I’m some kind of authority on acid-like trips. 😀