Archbishop Temple School (bloody hell)

Okay, what the fuck? Someone has done a real number on my former high school over on Wikipedia. (Yes, prepare for another one of those 'he's been up all night and gone around the bend' posts.)

There are a number of things I want to rant about regarding this place. Okay, it was a good school when I was there – I had fun, I learned a lot, I didn't really do any work and I got 9 GCSEs (2A*s, 6As and a B, if you insist ;)). I made lots of friends there, several of whom I still know and go to the pub with, etc. etc. But, I was lucky. They claim to be "one of the top 10 non-sixth form schools in England" (presumably they're tenth, then) but when I was there, this was not the case. In fact when I was in year 8 they were on the regional news for being the most improved school in the country, which equates to: we used to be shit, but now we're not quite as shit. Anyway, these ratings don't really mean much to me – this fucking place was proclaiming itself to be the nations 'number one' college at the time when I was there, which I discovered was based on pass rates and was engineered by the fact that if you got anything less than a C at AS-Level, you were out on your arse. Preston College, totally underrated, gave me an A-Level in English in less than a quarter of the time Runshaw took to give me an A-Level in Physics, and I still got a higher grade. The moral is: avoid Runshaw fucking College.

Anyway, Archbishop Temple School. I was getting very suspicious of this place soon after I left – Mr Nobel, immortalised by Dave in this picture* – became headmaster and I started hearing strange rumours. "We're a Christian school!" he supposedly proclaimed. "So why the hot shit are there so many pakis Muslims and Hindus and Sikhs here??" And suddenly, the entrance criteria took a step back into the dark ages. Multi-ethnicity at school is so so damned important – in Preston there are already regions where the schools are majority [insert ethnicity/religion], and I thought I was lucky that I got to sit down in a classroom with people from all different cultures. One of my best friends was Faizel, a Muslim, and another was Kalpesh, who taught me that not all Asian guys are devoutly religious (quite the opposite.) There were Sikhs and Hindus and we all got on all and it was great. But Nobel annexed this just like his idol did Poland.

Anyway, it didn't matter too much did it – I had left, after all, I was done. But then I took my year off to work, and found myself sharing an office with a lady called Elizabeth, whose children were soon to be starting high school. When she asked me where I went, I told her, and she was impressed – "that's the best one!" etc. Then she started telling me that the place was far more elitist than I had thought – people were coming from miles around to enrole their kids there, even though there were other schools that were closer (these were presumably rich Christian families.) Anyway, this pissed me off a bit because the school is directly across the road from another school and next door to Preston College, and the road these three institutions are on connects to the A6 about 100 metres down the road. This is the A6. As you will see, it fairly cuts the nation in half, extending for several hundred miles. It is remarkably busy. It also means that local kids are forced to go to other schools far away that aren't as good. If you want to choose a school for your children based on how good it is rather than its location and sense of community, send them to public school – please.

Anyway, so now I see that Nobel has been dethroned and Hugill (chemistry teacher, Masters degree, capable of making LSD but wouldn't) is the new headmaster and Battarbee (RE teacher, ran into a goalpost, knocked his teeth out) is his deputy. It doesn't bode well. (To be fair, as far as teachers went, Battarbee was alright.)

Who dares me to edit the page? Add a 'notable alumni' page with several celebrities, and a link to this page? Maybe I could upload Dave's picture to replace the one that's there at the moment. Alumni, discuss.

*This picture was not created by this site. It was not endorsed by this site. Any insinuations regarding Mr Nobels character are unintended. Mr Nobel was a fine and respected man. Even when he made us come back into the assembly hall during break because we didn't sing 'Jerusalem' loud enough the first time.